Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving in Russia

It is Thanksgiving Day.

November 27, 2008. Moscow, Russia.


Because there is no thanksgiving in Russia...hmmm...is that true?

this is the first picture that came up when I googled "thanksgiving in russia"...
hmmm.

Anyway...
let's examine that statement....

There is no thanksgiving in Russia...

...well at least there is no thanksgiving with a capital T, but I suppose on occasion a person or two has been known to give thanks while in Russia.

I am going to give a little thanks right now.

It is 11:50 am in Moscow. Right now I am going to write for 7 minutes straight. I'm going to make a list of ANYONE, ANYTHING and Everyone and Everything that comes to my mind when I think of things to be thankful for...

ready ....

set...

go!

Dad
Mom
Martha
Andy
Sarah
Cathy
Bobby
Tim
Pete
Blake
Brad
Trent
Heather
Matt
Coley-bug
Maragrete
Stella Bella
Travis
Cassandra
Matt ChappINa
Hank
Belle
Joanna
Alley Baiby
ECC
Jen
Norah
Lulu
Olivia
Maddie
Sarah Louise
Jesus
Mary Chapin Carpenter
Tatiyana
Masha
Andrei
Sasha
Ulia
Ulia Vtoraya
My apple
Blog(s)
Music
Paul
Frank
Adi
Heather Riggy Riggs
Syd
Kelly Jo
Amy Laurel
Amy Holt
KT
K.Fro
Grandpa ED
Erin K. Browne
Joanne Joanne Hudson
Nadia
Rebecca
Angela Boyle King
Tracy Callahan
Meg
Erin T.
Kathy
Al
Linda
Deb
Martha Dalluge
Juha-Mikko
Kimmo
Mikko
Howard
Juka
Stephan
Books
Music Sweet Sweet Fantasy Music
NPR
BBC
Barack Obama
Anne of Green Gables
iTunes
Larry Dooley
Cartherine Zublin
Ria Cooper
Jamie
KILA T'QUILA PACKETT
Anna Marshall
Molly Beth
Rachel Chavkin
Libby King
Jess Alamasy
Frank Boyd
Ryan Tresser
Tarter
Ashima
Jake Margloin
Jacqui Kaiser
Ruthie
Camille
Mikhael T Garver
Kristen Sieh
Sweety Jilly Jill Frutkin
the world
the world
the world is so beautiful
Matt Preece
Naomi Wolf
Stuart and Vicki
My cockatiels
clothing
Orange juice
green leafy vegetables
Whitney Houston
Jana
Laurie Bitters
Neal Barth
Mr. E
the scera
President Chappel
Bishop Horton
AMERICA
Domhnall
the Constitution of the United States of America
Russia
LOVE LOVE LOVE
Lake Michigan
the Great Lakes
the cottage
Old mission
xanx
water---
------

11:57am

I ran out of time....
That was fun and a little disturbing...
Hmmmm....

You should try it.

Start the timer and go for 7 minutes without stopping...

You don't have to post it. You have to be kinda crazy or insensitive to publicly post a list like this...(if I missed you--you should let me know...and if I did miss you its only because I was in free fall and just writing what came up! I love and miss you and am thankful for you whether you are on here or not!)

I wish I was at a thanksgiving dinner with any and or all of you right now!!!!
...and even though I am not, I am thankful for you just the same
(whether you got on my crazy list or not)


Happy Thanksgiving from Moscow!


I took this picture coming home from work the other night
snowstorm on the Ring Road

Saturday, November 22, 2008

My Friend Matt



First of all
,
I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who shared their wonderful suggestions on SLEEP!
I am definitely going to be trying them--and I will report back.
Thank you so very much for taking the time to HELP me!
Thanks, thanks, thanks.
I knew I could count on you guys. I am lucky!

Second, my dear friend Heather Anna Corrigan Herrick of the Cake of Nutty Goodness Fame, took a moment yesterday to send me a quick e-note in which she expressed to me her great love AND, she said, she needed to inform me that m'blog--with the black background and bright multi--colored wording--is hard to read.

Now, as you may know, there are precious few opinions I value as much and to which I listen with such rapt and intent deference as those belonging to Heather Anna Corrigan Herrick O'Congf. (O'congf is Irish-Gaelic for "of the Cake of Nutty Goodness Fame)

But, because I am very fond of my current blog lay-out and spent a good 3 hours one night sifting and trying the various templates, fonts and colors provided by our tireless friends at blogger.com, I wanted to throw it out to the rest of you?

Is it annoying and trying on the eyes to read m'blog?

What are your opinions?

Please share. I will listen AND consider.



now THIRDLY, FINALLY and Importantly, we arrive at my actual post for today.

My friend Matt.
I have been trying to decide for a few weeks now whether I should post about Matt...
Not because there is really anything too controversial about what I want to say...

I've hesitated because of how quiet and personal my feelings for and surrounding Matt are...

(I know you're thinking: personal and private has never stopped you before, Nathan)

(true, oh how true)

It's made me think a lot about why I blog. (which is another discussion entirely) But basically, I blog for two reasons--

1) to share and stay connected with all of you--to let you know how and what I am doing--and to hear your responses to my thoughts, feelings and life. It's kind of like a journal with feedback, right?

2) to create a place where I can own my feelings, thoughts, opinions, decisions, journeys, travels and beliefs--to claim and to take responsibility for MY LIFE-- before the world.

I also think this is why I write plays and write in general.

Anyway, with this in mind, I decided its time I should try to write about Matt. I haven't yet.

So I am going to share some of my feelings about my friend Matt.

What I want to say is pretty is simple. But sometimes--a lot of times--even simple things take me a while...

As some of you may know, my dear friend Matt died a little over two years ago in Nepal.


In September of 2006 Matt began working for the World Wildlife Fund (WWF).

Matt loved environmentalism and conservation. He had a BS from Vanderbilt University in Environmental Science and a Masters Degree in International Sustainable Development from Brandeis University.

He worked all over the world studying and trying to sustain our diverse, fragile and beautiful world. He worked with farmers on the Altiplano in Bolivia; he worked with sea turtles all over the Caribbean and Central America. He did environmental work in Baja California and on the Galapagos Islands and completed a 9-month sustainable development internship in Bangalore, India.

During the five years I knew Matt, I was lucky enough to receive e-mails and photo albums from him as he worked and traveled.

Matt was the first guy I ever really dated. He was the first guy with whom I ever really considered being in love. He was the first guy with whom I really considered building a life...




Our actual "relationship" was pretty short, however. Six months. But--for a first "relationship"--it was significant.

Matt was in transition when we met.

He had graduated from Vanderbilt and after having done non-profit work in Bolivia for six months, had decided to come and stay with his parents who had recently moved from Albany, NY (where Matt was raised) to Layton, Utah.

Both his parents have Utah--Mormon--roots and are devout members of the Church, who are now serving a Service Mission for the Church in Jamaica.

Matt himself served a mission in Chile.

When we met, Matt was getting ready to apply to graduate programs and I was just about to start my first year at Weber State in Ogden.

My own move to Ogden from Orem was a last ditch effort for me in a lot of ways.

After returning from my own mission to Russia five years earlier I had struggled--struggled--struggled with finding a course for my life and discovering what I was gonna do with "this thing". I was in and out of therapy--some of it useful, some of it less so. I had studied at UVSC for two years and then transferred to BYU for a semester, which...ummm...didn't work out.
I had been working pretty consistently at different jobs caring for individuals with disabilities and had been, naturally, doing a lot of theatre. Through all of this I was always in contact with my Bishops, who were overall wonderful and loving, and with my family and friends (who were also always wonderful and loving) about "this thing". I was trying desperately to work out what I was gonna do with it and I knew that "it" just did not fit into the life I thought I must lead to be happy.

I had a lot anxiety. I was up and down. I made a lot of progress in a lot of ways. This was not a horrible time--just a time of struggle.

In 1999, I had been disfellowshipped and I was working the hardest I ever had to make my life what I knew it should be. I was back in therapy, I was reading my scriptures, I was praying like a mad dog, I was attending church and activities, I was always looking for ways to love and serve, I was meeting with my wonderful Bishop weekly, I was working in a job I found stimulating and worthwhile, I was living in an apartment with my best and most supportive friend, AND I was dating an amazing woman--seriously. She knew all about "my struggles" and still wanted to try and pursue a relationship. She was kind, loving, patient, fun, VERY smart and, of course, beautiful. She and I had so much fun and she became a permanent part of my closest friends' lives as well. And my family adored her. I felt like it was gonna happen and I was on my way...

This went on for 9 months. I was 25. It was 2000.

Then, it’s hard to explain how or why--but both she and I gradually became aware that there were problems. Something was missing. It wasn't the physical component that was missing. Perhaps surprisingly, we had a very active--but chaste--physical relationship and I was not finding it difficult to imagine a future in that department. It was the "being in love" part that was missing.

I loved her. I did. I did.

Its been a long time since those days and what I now qualify as "being in love" is quite different than the young naive ideals I held then. But the truth is, whatever "being in love" may mean, it was not present in my feelings for her.

However, I do think she "was in love" with me. It wasn't until later, when I really did "fall in love" and have that love returned, that I could truly understand how deep her pain and disappointment must have been. (Not because I was so great or anything, but because when you're in love and it doesn't work out, it really hurts) I still feel badly for that. But she is and was an amazingly wise and compassionate woman who has always offered her friendship and support to me.

At the time, the failure of our relationship seemed catastrophic to me and within a few months, I had really come to a point where I felt I could go no further.

I needed to change my approach. I felt like I had tried everything.

Long before this--perhaps even before my own mission--I had given up the idea that I could somehow entirely rid myself of my homosexual feelings. I understood, even then, that through the Atonement and love of Christ I didn't have to be perfect. The Lord loved me as I was and He would aid and support me, despite my imperfections and temptations. All I had to do was do my best, give it everything I had and He would help me live the life He required of me. Even though I struggled so much, I had this inner and foundational peace--that I was loved and valued as I was. I understood that my homosexual feelings and identity were part of who I was, and the real struggle was understanding how they fit into my identity as a disciple of Jesus Christ and as a faithful member of His true Church.

Before the failure of my relationship with this woman and the subsequent turmoil, I would never have considered an approach to "this thing" that did not place the Church at the very center of my life.

I began to consider the possibility of living without the Church--without that support. Without the validation and surety it gave me that I was doing what God expected of me.

The thought terrified me. I was certain I would "loose the Spirit" and, worst of all I feared, I would loss my desire to do good. To live a loving life filled with good. I really wanted to do what was right. Could I be a good person without the Church?


I decided that I needed to finish my degree and I had a good friend who was studying theatre at Weber State so I went up and auditioned for a scholarship and received a full-tuition waiver. In June of 2001 I moved to Ogden to start a NEW LIFE! Ahhh Ogden! (New life may be pushing it--I needed a change. I needed to try something different)

It has proved to be a good choice. It really has changed my life immeasurably--in the exponential and untraceable ways that most decisions do...

I met Matt-- there in Ogden-- at the end of June. He and I were both 26.

Matt really was a big part of my life changing. Of course, I don't believe I thought about it too much at the time--how my life was changing--I was just trying to make my life work.

Both Matt and I were new to the area. We had no friends to speak of within 50 miles other than our families. Matt drove an old red Toyota Celica that barely moved and my own Honda Accord could barely make it from my apartment in Ogden to his parent's house in nearby Layton.

But we had so much fun. He introduced me to his family and cousins and he met my sisters who lived in Ogden. We went hiking all over the surrounding mountains. Matt helped me change a flat tire. We spent afternoons and nights together. We watched countless movies in the downstairs TV room at his parent's house, tangled on the couch, and when the movies were over we'd discuss and argue and laugh.

Matt's father, Stuart, was the Ward Boy Scout Leader and one August weekend he was taking his troop on a camping trip in the Uintah Mountains. Because Stuart wanted to get the best site possible, he asked Matt and I to take his car, packed with some of the equipment, up a few days early and set up a tent. So, Matt and I drove up through the Wasatch to the Uintahs and to Mirror Lake. We set up the camp and spent a couple days hiking the rocky cliffs and peaks--talking and laughing as we circled the glacial lakes and crossed the headwaters of the Provo River.

We laughed a lot. Matt was a smart ass and had a sarcastic streak, but he also had a kind and gentle humor. I say we talked and discussed, but mostly he listened and responded and took the piss out of my earnest opinions. I liked that.

This sounds hopelessly cliché, but Matt...had a laugh! Like any one's laugh, his was unique and indescribable. Matt's laugh belonged only to him and-- cliché again--I still hear it clearly. In fact it was remembering a joke we shared the other day--and the way Matt lifted his chin and chuckled so deeply-- that started me thinking it was time to write all this down.

Matt was happy. He had life in him. He was free and comfortable with himself in a way that I just was not yet. One night after classes had begun at Weber and I had made some other friends, we went dancing at a gay club in Salt Lake. Matt came with us. I remember being shocked and amazed at Matt's dancing. It was a crazy--yet somehow controlled--flurry of arms and legs and spins. I think he caught my almost embarrassed face and just smiled, happy in the freedom he found there-- dancing in his particular and joyful way.

Matt was free and full of action. He was a doer. At that point he had already served a two-year mission in Chile, spent a Spring Break working for Habitat for Humanity, a semester in the Caribbean tracking sea turtles and six months helping subsistence farmers in Bolivia.

I loved his stories and envied his exciting life. Despite his travels, Matt had a rootedness in him. I think it came from his wonderful family and from a knowledge that he was engaged in good works.

I was still unsure of so much. I know Matt must have been unsure as well in many ways. It's probably wrong to compare journeys, but he seemed so much farther than me.

I often found myself torn and confused about how to remain a good, decent, spiritual man even while I was clearly letting go of the very institution which had given me so much understanding of what Goodness, Decentness, and Spirituality meant.

I remember late one early fall night, after having watched a DVD, Matt and I were standing on the sidewalk in front of his parent's house in Layton. I love warm Utah nights in early fall. The sky was probably relatively clear, with a few big clouds, some stars and maybe a bright September moon throwing light on the giant Wasatch peaks making them glow in that familiar way. Matt and I were both raised good Mormon boys, we both served missions, we both had families who were active in and loved the Church. I told him it was hard for me to balance all of that. I told him that I still wanted to be a good person, that spirituality and God were still important to me and I told him that I was confused at how to manage that. I asked him what he thought.

He told me he didn't think about it too much. He told me it didn't bother him anymore. He said he had made a decision that he was going to be happy, that he was going to live an honest life and fill that life with goodness. He told me that, of course, he had questions. But, he said, he knew that if he spent his time doing good things--being happy--making the world a better place the best he knew how, all the questions would either work themselves out or, in the end, didn't matter.

I don't remember how or if I responded too much. I clearly remember what he said though.

At some point, several months later, Matt and I had "the talk". The talk where we mutually decided that "our relationship" wasn't going to "work out". He wasn't staying put for very long. He knew that he was going to Grad school within a year and would be moving about the world with the work he wanted to do. He had told me that he would settle down someday when he was stable.

I wanted something stable right then. Still, Matt didn't see why, while he was still living in Utah with his parents, we couldn't continue to date--without a commitment. I was very idealistic. I said, let's just be friends.

And you know what, we did become friends. We transitioned pretty smoothly to a genuinely supportive and good friendship. This was my first experience with what I have come to recognize as a nearly universal phenomenon among gay men: Ex gay lovers--partners--boyfriends--really do "stay friends". Often times, very good friends.

Matt got accepted to Brandeis and I continued to study at Weber. He moved to Boston. He called from school and kept me updated on his life, studies and dating. We talked weekly at first. He told me all about his roommates Melissa and Naomi, with whom I briefly chatted one winter evening when I called and Matt was not at home. In the spring, Matt came back to visit his parents. We hung out. He went back to Boston. I started dating someone else; he had his boyfriends. We talked about it all.

Matt went to India to do his internship. He loved that he was going to be in BANGalore, India. 'Nough said, right?





Our conversations turned to e-mails, supplemented by the hilarious group e-mails he sent about his life there. He sent pictures--wonderful pictures.

When he was back in the States, between non-profit jobs in Costa Rica, in Baja, or in the Galapagos Islands there were more phone calls.

I met Travis, graduated from Weber State and moved to New York City to start Grad school at Columbia University.

In the spring of 2006, Matt got a full time job with the World Wildlife Fund and moved to DC. He e-mailed to say; " I'm coming to New York this summer! And we are hanging out!" I replied that, sadly, I would miss him since I was going to be spending the summer at my family's Cottage on Lake Michigan with Travis caring for my grandfather and making money painting and roofing. He called me while I was at the cottage one July day and asked "Girl! How long have you and Travis been together?" I told him it was nearly four years now. He said, "And you guys are roofing?" I replied that, yes, we were. He said "Four years and roofing?!! You guys aren't gay--you're lesbians!"


He told me that his area of focus at the WWF was India and Nepal. He was working to create local partnerships to promote sustainable preservation of the habitat for elephants and tigers and the Red Panda. I told him I had always loved Red Pandas. He promised to send me a picture of one and we agreed that as soon as Travis and I were back in New York we would arrange a weekend trip to D.C. The next day I got an e-mail with a photo of a Red Panda attached.




A few weeks later, Matt called to tell me he was going to go on his first field assignment to Nepal and that he would be gone by the time I returned to New York. Our trip to D.C. would have to wait.

Then one late September morning back in New York, I was listening to NPR. On "Morning Edition" they reported that searchers had located the site of a WWF chartered helicopter, which had crashed the day before in a remote densely forested and mountainous region of western Nepal. There were no survivors.

It was a short news clip and I quickly searched the internet for more details. I found an article reporting the names of most of the 24 people who had been on board the helicopter when it crashed while returning from a ceremony where Nepali government officials and WWF officials had returned management of a conservation area to the local government. Of course, Matt's name was among those listed on board the helicopter when it crashed.

Somehow, it seems kind of silly to try to describe my feelings in that moment. I was not very well acquainted with death. I had never lost anyone this close to me. Matt was my friend. He was my ex-boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend. He and I were the same age. I hadn't seen him in years...

My grandmother had died when I was 8 and the summer before Matt's death, my high school drama teacher, Syd Riggs, with whom I was extremely close (she and her family were some of my closest friends), died unexpectedly. I hadn't been able to return to Utah for Syd's funeral and regretted it.

I was quickly contacted by one of Matt's high school friends who informed me that because there was little hope of finding Matt's remains, his family had decided to have a memorial service for Matt in Utah the following week. I determined that I would go.

The night before the memorial, I went to a party for Matt's friends held at his cousin's house in Salt Lake. I met his grad school roommate Naomi, who lived in Queens, and so many other people I never knew existed. Because Matt had spent so much of his life in such far-flung places, he had many friends who didn't know each other. Some of us of course, knew of each other, but most of us had never met. There we all were: Matt's cousins, his best friends from high school, his friends from undergrad, his friends from graduate school, and most of Matt's ex-boyfriends. Me included. It was awkward. It was emotional. It was overwhelming.


The next day, before the memorial, I stopped by Matt's parent's house in Layton. His parents had invited Matt's friends to stop by before the memorial to catch up or to get acquainted, as they had not met many of Matt's globe-scattered friends.

I hadn't been able to call and let Matt's parents know that I was going to attend the ceremony, and frankly, I was worried they wouldn't remember me. When Matt's mother, Vicki opened the door, there was a moment and then she smiled, threw open her arms and said, "Nate!" We embraced and she told me how touched she was that I had come and that, of course, she remembered me and always asked Matt for updates on my life.

Matt was my first boyfriend. I was not his. But I was--for Matt's parents--his first boyfriend. They had never met someone who Matt dated before me, and after me, his parents had only briefly met a few of Matt's other boyfriends.

Vicki called out to Stuart, who came from across the front room, filled with family and friends, and embraced me. He remembered me as well. There were so many people there and as Stuart and Vicki attended to guests, I stood in the living room for an awkward moment until Matt's sister Debbie approached me. Debbie lived in Shanghai with her husband and children and on her way to Utah, she had been able to stop in Nepal, where she attended a memorial service for all the victims of the crash. She said she had some wonderful photos and would send them to me. She took my e-mail address and turned to talk to another of Matt's friends.




I wandered, almost unthinkingly, downstairs. When I turned the corner at the bottom and saw the TV room--where Matt and I had watched all those movies--I was nearly buried by the palpable memory and emotion in that room. I sat on that couch, buried my face in it's cushions and cried.



Matt's family had decided to hold his memorial outside--not too far from Matt's parents house in Layton. It was fall in Utah. It was a bright October day. The scrub oak on the Wasatch peaks was orange and yellow and the sky beyond them was blue and endless.

When we got to the event center where the memorial was to be, I helped his family carry large photos of Matt standing on beaches in Costa Rica and Baja, on rocky cliffs in the Galapagos, in front of Hindu shrines in India, on mountains in Nepal, with his father on the rim of Crater Lake, with friends in a park in Albany, with his brother and sisters on a family vacation--so many pictures of the people and places that Matt loved. We carried them, along with other items from Matt's life and travels, to tables that surrounded rows of folding chairs.



During the memorial, Stuart and Vicki stood next to each other and expressed their thankfulness to all present, to the WWF officials who had traveled to be there and most of all for the life and blessing of their son, Matt. Stuart spoke about his son's work and life. Stuart, before a largely Mormon audience, said that his son had experienced attraction to members of the same sex and that Matt had shared his feelings and experiences with his family. He said that as Matt came to understand his own feelings and live his life accordingly, his family's compassion, acceptance and love increased. Stuart expressed gratitude for his son's choice to live honestly and openly.

Vicki, spreading her arms wide, said that "Matt walked through life like this. He walked with his arms open and gathered everyone that he encountered up in his arms, making friends of everyone. Matt made friends of everyone."

She then invited all of us--friends and family--to stand and share our feelings and memories of Matt. One by one people stood and spoke. Matt's mission president, his best friend from high school, his most recent boyfriend, and Naomi--his grad school roommate. They all stood and, in their own way, shared how Matt had changed them. I hesitated, but quickly decided to stand up.

I don't remember what I said exactly. I doubt it was particularly eloquent. I did my best to briefly explain that I had met Matt 5 years earlier here in Utah. That at that time, as a young gay Mormon man, I was struggling. I said Matt had been an example of peace and self-acceptance to me. That I, as Vicki described, had been caught up in Matt's arms of friendship. That because of Matt's goodness and his choice to live a life full of that goodness, I had been inspired. I thanked Matt's family and parents for helping instill in him that sense of unconditional love for self and others. I sat down and many others stood and expressed their love and gratitude for Matt. I don’t really remember doing it, but I know I looked up at the blazing fall Wasatch and the bold blue sky many times that afternoon. I wonder if I remembered that fall night in front of Matt’s parent’s house when he shared with me his intention to live a life filled with making the world a better place.

In November of that year, Naomi and I drove from NYC to Washington DC to attend a memorial service for all the WWF crash victims at the National Cathedral. The ceremony was incredibly moving. Because those who had died belonged to so many of the worlds many faiths, the ceremony consisted of short services, prayers, or readings representing many religious traditions. Besides the music and tributes, there was a Hindu Mantra, a Sikh Shabad, an Anglican Hymn, a reading from the New Testament, a Buddhist Meditation, and Matt’s brother read from Moroni 7 on hope and the pure love of Christ.






Later that year, while back in Utah visiting my own family in Orem, I drove up to Layton and sat with Matt’s parents in their living room. They are such kind, good humored, loving people—so honest and practical in their manner. It is not difficult for me to see Matt in their faces. Vicki told me how during the memorial in DC, as she listened to the beautiful and diverse expressions of faith in various languages, she realized how little separates us from each other. Stuart then asked me about my family, my studies, my writing and how being a gay Mormon had impacted my life. He explained that because of Matt he had become mindful of how much pain gay Mormon’s must experience. He wanted to know how I was doing. He listened as I told him that of course I have had my moments, but I was finding my way. I told him that Matt’s passing had made me think deeply about my choices and I knew that I wanted to recommit myself to making the most out of my life. Stuart said that Matt was honest and open with his family, but that Matt rarely expressed struggle, and if he did it was quickly followed by humor and laughter. Stuart said he wanted to understand his son and he asked me if Matt had ever talked about the difficulty of being Mormon and gay.

I started by telling them that my biggest fear when I chose to leave activity in the Church was that I would loose the "spirit" in my life--that I would no longer be able to be a good person.

I then told them about that fall night 5 years earlier in front of their house when I asked Matt how he managed so well. I said that Matt had told me he was at peace and that he was determined to focus on filling the world with good and making it a better place. I told them that Matt admitted he had questions, but that he was confident if he lived his life the best he could--filling it with goodness--it would all work out. I wished I could have said more, but that was really all Matt had said. He was a doer. He did things. He made the world a better place.


Vicki and Stuart thanked me and Stuart shared some very personal feelings and impressions he has had since Matt’s death. He then asked if it would be all right if we all knelt and prayed together. It was beautiful. I felt so understood, accepted and cared for by Stuart and Vicki. I have continued to communicate with Matt’s family and am blessed by their love and support.

Now, its 2 years later and I am sitting here in Russia writing this memory of my friend Matt. I started out by saying that what I wanted to say was rather simple.

And now 8 pages later I am still writing.

Clearly, I cannot sum up my feelings for Matt or what his life and friendship has meant to me in a few simple phrases. A life is a complex thing. Love is a complex thing—full of choice and responsibility.

I think Matt took tremendous responsibility for his choices and life. He loved life and he loved this world and its peoples. He chose to fill his life with goodness. He made the world a better place. He is a tremendous example to me. I am so thankful I knew him. I miss and love him.

Days before Matt's death, he and some of his fellow WWF workers chartered a small prop plane and flew over Mount Everest. The last e-mail I received from him was an invitation to view his photo album from that plane ride around the tallest point on earth. They are some amazing photos--solid gray peaks and ridges covered in permanent snow pushing up through cloudbanks and white fluttery trails.





I love thinking of Matt like that--up there looking down on the world he loved and worked to preserve. I love thinking of all that perspective in his eyes...



I guess I just wanted to record this here. To encourage myself and all of us, particularly those of us who may find ourselves cast in similar stories--Gay Mormons, families or friends of gay Mormons, Mormons and Gays, and just people who care—Do not be discouraged and disillusioned right now by this horrible, ridiculous near-sighted prejudice, anger and cruelty….

There is still love. There are good people—Gay and Mormon—who love each other and are willing to lay down the sword for a while and make the world a better place.

I want to make the world a better place too.

Friday, November 21, 2008

HELP!!

This is a quick one:

So, I've never had a particularly hard time asking for help (...just ask my family). If I need help, I usually ask. If I don't need it,I don't. Sometimes I don't like it being offered, but I try to take it where I can get it...

So I need all of you wise and helpful readers, friends, and family to give me some advice on how to SLEEP!!!

Here's the deal:

I teach every morning at 8am in the Center of Moscow. I live like a 25 mins Metro-ride from the Center and from my house it's a 10 min walk to the Metro. So I really need to get up by 6:30am-- at the latest.

Also, I usually teach an evening class and don't get home from that until around 10pm...

I never have a hard time waking up.

(when I am up I am UP!)



I have a hard time falling asleep.

I'm not particularly anxious--don't worry--for those of you who remember my anxiety ridden early 20's, rest assured, those days have NOT returned!

I just have always needed a good 2 hours to wind down once I get home and then a good hour to really slip off into REM land...

So basically by the time I fall asleep its like 1am (if I am lucky) And...well, 6.5 hrs DOES NOT cut it for me...

Never has...I tend to get...sick...and fat...and less productive...



So, I am asking for your generous advice! Whatever it is! Give it!

(I want to avoid drugs....my little dusty orange bottle of xanax is only for special airbourne naps--and extreme emergenicas!)

Can you help?

Thank you! Thank you!
I love you all!


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

"Heal the Crystal!" Can't we just heal the crystal, y'all?


Jen healed the crystal and all sorts of good things happened...

The world was reborn all green and shiny, Kira got resurrected, and the evil nasty Skeksis and the good peaceful Mystics got super-sonic-laser fused into new beings--who all looked like an elongated Bob Dylan from his Afro days decked out in white Christmas lights..

So, lets heal the crystal y'all.
LET's HEAL the CRYSTAL !!!!
...and then maybe things will get better.
Maybe then all the old mean white men will fuse with all the young angry gay men and make crazy glowing beings who vote for equal rights and see the world as a place to be shared--maybe they will join and become wise benevolent beings who don't vandalize property, don't send white powder in envelopes to churches, but calmly and firmly demand to live in a country where their lives and relationships are counted as equal ....

yeah?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

HOPE!!!

I found this through a friend on facebook.

Please watch this well edited 2 minute clip, but first:

Over the past week, in my anger, frustration, disappointment and disillusionment over Prop 8, I've felt like saying--concerning some of the "bad" things people have been doing in response to the vote--I felt like saying:

"Well, what did you all expect?"

I've been really disoriented and unsure about where to go. About how to move forward.

Then I watched this video ten minutes ago and was reminded about what I really believe.

Here's what I think:

We need a little less of the angry people shouting in front of Temples, a little less boycotting of Mormon businesses, we need fewer people feeling they must resign because they voted YES on 8, we need NO white powder in envelopes, and NO MORE people whining about being "victimized" on both sides, and we need A LOT MORE of this kind of HOPE!

We all have been victims at one point or another and we all know how it feels.
We also know that it is within our power to rise above victimization!
In fact it is our only choice.

I'm not saying we don't protest, I'm not saying we don't get angry, I'm not saying we don't demand change--but I'd like to see it happen from our side with a little more compassion and civility.

Particularly where we have been so marginalized and our position so misrepresented , ignored and maligned--we should respond with that much more interest, respect, and compassion.

Where they refuse to acknowledge the legitimacy of our lives and feelings, we MUST respond with a demand, an unwavering belief and a HOPE that all people's lives and feelings can be legitimized and acknowledged in this great Nation.

Watch and let me know what you think!
I was really really really moved!




(Harvey Milk was the first openly-gay man to be elected to public office in the US in 1977. His most recognized speech, "You Cannot Live On Hope Alone," was given in 1978, shortly before he was assassinated. ...)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

moon over moscow


moon rising in moscow



This is the view looking west right now...



...its 4:45 pm here in Moscow...

...just thought I would share...



...pretty, huh?

...in that Moscow kind of way...


Thanks to all of you have read and commented/shared your thoughts on BIRTHRIGHT...

some of you have confirmed something I had been concerned about--
the language can get a little too colorful and drippy--circuitous and heady--
so I am reading Hemingway for a lesson in sparseness...and editing...

You've also said good things

and I am thinking a lot about your ideas

THANKS

keep reading

Monday, November 10, 2008

3 Things


1) This is my friend Kristin. Kristin and I got some MFA's in the Playwriting at the Columbia U. SoA together...She is a fantastic playwright--witty and insightful. Kristin sees the world in a very unique and satisfying way. I love spending time with her because, besides being a great friend with whom I have stimulating and productive conversations, I laugh me a@# off with her. This woman is FUNNY!
So, here in Russia--I've been jonesin' for some Kristin. The other day I found her blog: Baroness VonFroberg. Go there! She reviews movies--mainly bad ones. Its fun. She kept me up laughing out loud the other night.
Thanks Kristin.
(you can click on the link above or find another link in my sidebar)



2) As promised, I have begun posting my serial novel/fake memoir/thinly veiled semi-autobiographical story/ excuse to talk about my favorite hot button issues in the form of an exciting narrative/thing-y.

It's called BIRTHRIGHT
and you can also get to it from the above link or find it in the sidebar just below my profile.

I would really like it if you would read it--at your leisure (the first installment is about 16 pages long-single spaced times new roman) AND give me your feedback.

As you may know, I have-- for the past 5-6 years-- focused almost exclusively on writing plays-- some poetry and academic essay stuff thrown in here and there--OH and blogs...

and I wanted to try something new and have some FUN with it--so I came up with this idea to write and post--and to get FEEDBACK as I go along...
Not the normal way one writes their first GREAT NOVEL--
but is an experiment!


It has been interesting writing prose narrative again.
I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm learning and discovering my style--trying things--I do a lot of editing as I write and even after I've posted.

Here in Moscow, it seems, I have less opportunity for intellectual discussion and debate-- in English at least--and this story thingy has become a place to put all that thinking to use...
I also think an interesting story is developing.




A little about it:
It takes place here in Moscow--right now and about 13 years ago.
Part of the story takes place in Illinois in 1844.
Part of it takes place in northern Ireland in the early 17th century.
There are former Mormon missionaries in it.
There are gay people in it. (surprise!)
There is a lot of talk about political theories and history.
There is a lot of talk about current events.
There are some moral dilemmas...
There is some romance...
(most of it gay...not too elicit though...but it may be tricky for the more conservative reader...JUST A NOTE...ya know...
a warning!)

For the literary--and not so literary-- folk, here are a couple other works that I think have been informing me as I write:

1) Baldwin's "Giovanni's Room"
2) Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises"
3) Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Bulgakov and to a lesser degree Chekhov
4) Kushner's "Angels in America"
also--this may be horrible, but 5) Mitchel's "Gone with the Wind"
and, of course, 6) the current global and political landscape



Please let me know what you think!

You could seriously help me by being honest and REALLY telling me what you think--about it all:
the opinions my characters express
the language and my use of it--is it working?
the developing narrative structure
the questions it brings up for you about the many issues I am exploring and generally b.s-ing about =)

Do comment and help me out--encourage me to write....
or not...





3) I had something--a piece of dust or dirt--stuck in my eye for like 4 hours today and it HURT so bad!
It is my least favorite thing in the world.
something in the eyes!!!!

UGGHHH!!!

...its better now.

Thanks for reading!



Saturday, November 8, 2008

A Poem THING




I am posting this poem I wrote last week...

I'm not sure if it means anything, really.

Besides being mind trippingly circuitous and parenthetical (like most of my writing) I think it is an attempt to exorcise some of my frustration with certain things that went down on Tuesday.

(a one certain thing which I wish could just be swallowed up in the MOMENTOUS BEAUTY and WONDER of such an HISTORIC, HOPEFUL, INSPIRING and NEEDED MANIFESTATION of the POWER of CHANGE and DEMOCRACY with which we were blessed Tuesday night.)

But if this poem reflects some of my feelings, it certainly does not reflect how I feel all the time. Further, I am not sure to whom it is addressed. If you think it may be addressed to you, please don't take it personally--I was just rolling with some words and feelings, okay?

Also it may be kinda smug. But, hey--I am human; From time to time, I am susceptible to feeling various negative emotions--like....smugness. Besides the smugness, there also may be something honest and worth exploring in it...



(okay enough analysis of my own writing)


Here 'tis:
I have been you
but you have never been me:

I have looked at the world as you do
without the benefit of seeing the world as I do
—I have looked at the blue green sphere
divided in two:
peopled by those within the circle like you
and those without like me
and when I saw as you do
I counted myself blessed to be within that knowing ring
but now without it
I see spinning singing light-tracing lives
worlds without end
with no safely placed lines of “like me/like you”…
just humanity—just people
like me
and
like…you
and not like me and not like you…

I have been you
but you have never been me
and having become me
I could never go back to being you
but you will always be a part of me
—whereas I am no longer a part of you
for I have become me…

(I kinda look chunky in this picture, don't I? I was a little chunkier--note, I'm not saying 'fat', just chunky...maybe its just the haircut and angle...I just look round-ish....whatever. =))

LOVE and MISS you ALL!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

YES WE DID!!! the end of cynicism...

Any lingering cynicism in me has been vanquished! The idealist in me has won!

I am so so so so happy!

Barack Hussein Obama is the President Elect of the United States of America!


It's 10:31 am here in Moscow...(2:31 am in NYC)

Last night at 8:45pm here, I took some xanax (just .05 mg. I had to--you know me--I was so excited I could not sleep) and went to bed and was up at 5am (10:00pm in NYC) to turn on the KCRW (California NPR station) Simulcast on iTunes and to watch the Yahoo! News Dashboard, the CNN Live News Feed and to talk with friends on gchat and facebook to be connected to this great moment!!
The Internet is amazing, right?!!!



I am so so so SAD I am missing the celebrations in NYC right now and wish I was in AMERICA, but can, with no cynicism say--I love AMERICA and I am proud to be AMERICAN today!

I cried during McCain's lovely and respectful concession speech--it was really really great and I loved it when he asked his supporters to join him not only in congratulating, but in supporting President Barack Obama!

Thank you, John!

Your kind and gracious words of unity are needed and moved me a lot!




and THEN! Oh and THEN during Barack's speech-- I wept, cheered and threw my arms in the air in joy over and over!!!!




I loved it when he said: " I will listen to you, especially when we disagree..."

and I literally sobbed when he said:

"Tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope."

and this:

"And while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress.

As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, we are not enemies but friends. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection."

and this:

" (this movement)...drew strength...from the millions of Americans who volunteered and organized and proved that more than two centuries later a government of the people, by the people, and for the people has not perished from the Earth."

YES WE CAN!!!
(we DID!!!!)

(I just cried again when I pasted it in there...)

and I was inspired by these humble, wise and true words:

"This victory alone is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were."



This part was important to me, too:

"It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. "

( we are accounted for, yippee!!!)



You guys this is a great day!


A new day...
Nov. 5, 2008. 10:30 am. Moscow, Russia

(looking west toward America from my window here in Moscow)


Especially today, I love and miss America --and what it represents-- so very much!

AND I miss and Love all of you!
(me this morning, very happy, with the westward facing view behind me)


God bless you and God bless AMERICA!!!!

(now--about Prop 8.....hmmm... sad sad sad...but that's a blog for tomorrow--today is all about JOY!
Oh HAPPY DAY!)

Monday, November 3, 2008

One Day More!




I think we should vote for Barack Hussein Obama because he is.... black.

Yes.

I said it.

The fact that Obama is "a person of color", of "mixed race", a "member of a racial minority", a "son of immigrants"--blah blah--all of that puts him at the top of my list!

Of course you all know--because you read all of my "Gone with the Gays" post-- that I think the very existence of "race" as something definitive is, most likely, one of numerous merely linguistic and largely arbitrary conventions we human beings use to describe what we perceive as differences between groups of people.

In other words--who cares what color a person's skin is or where he comes from or who his parents are!

Honestly, I do sincerely believe that when it comes to a person's character, intelligence, ability--anything--the above factors don't tell me, or anyone, anything definitive.

So why do I say that I think we should vote for Obama because he is black?

Well, of course, I'm sorta kidding--but as the Russians say "в каждой чутке есть доля чуткы" (v kazhdoi shutke yest dolya shutki) which translates to something like "in every joke there's a little piece of a joke".... think about it.... aaaaaand....Ok. Got it?...Ok. Good. Moving on.

So basically, there's something quite serious about what I am saying about my reason for believing in Obama's presidency.

And why do I say that?

I think I say that because a) I am an idealist and because b) I'm a cynic.

I believe someone once said that every cynic began as an idealist, but I am actually both at the same time.

Let's start with b).

I am a cynic because, or rather because I am a cynic, I actually don't believe Presidents really do that much.
Particularly American Presidents.
I don't think they have as much power to bring about sweeping changes, as they--or we --like to believe.
I am disinclined to really get behind the idea that a lot changes in government or the lives of people simply because someone new takes office.

With a few notable exceptions, Presidents tend to be little more than points of reference on the history charts.

(Those of you who are real history buffs--please call me out on this--but I think you take my point, that with a few major exceptions, Presidents simply are one part of much larger social, political and historical movements and, at best, respond to change rather than affect it.)

I am also cynical, when it comes right down it, about whether Obama's approaches to our Nation's crippling ailments are VASTLY better than John McCain's. (Lets all pray that they are because I am voting for him and so are you!!!)

I hardly consider myself a real Democrat, and when I do consider myself a real Democrat, its only because I think its the better choice, not the RIGHT choice.

Here's--hopefully--the bottom line when it comes to my cynicism regarding American Presidents: I am cynical about people in power. I don't trust them.

I mean-- what kind of human being really wants to be President of United States of America? I can't really answer that, because I don't know anyone like that, and that kind of scares me....

Maybe I could be a better President?

Personally, if you're looking for good people, I think Allison Dawn Green Moschetti should run for office.

All this said--there is this little part of me that wants to believe in Obama's story--that he is a candidate of HOPE and CHANGE. His personal story--and remember we all tell our stories the way we like them told--is pretty f******** amazing. (I mean--have you read "Dreams From My Father"? The whole thing. Not just the excerpts you got in that e-mail from Uncle Chuck up in Coeur D’Alene )

So this leads us to a) the idealist part of me.

I believe in people.
I believe in love.
I believe that everyone who has ever walked on this earth and the anyone who ever will is worthy of love and deserves some respect.
I believe that we are in fact responsible to each other.
I believe in a broad and literal interpretation of these words from the Declaration of Independence:

that all men are created equal and endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights... ...that Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.

And in this phrase from the Preamble from the Constitution:

We the people of the United States...


And in Lincoln's interpretation of the above phrase from his Gettysburg Address:

...that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth...

The more time I spend in a nation where there is little to no real access to power for the average citizen, the more I value these ideas.

The idea that government should literally represent the people--that a government should, in fact, be its people. This is a lofty and most likely unattainable goal. But for me, what The American Experiment stands for is the commitment to that ideal--that despite its unattainably, we will continue to try to make it a reality.

Now, back to Presidents.

If a President does anything at all--he represents the American people. Not only does he represent the American people to the world, but he also represents the American people to themselves. And when I say, "represent" I don't mean in a demographic way--I mean in an ideological way.

Let's remember some of the Presidents that represented a needed and, retrospectively, important shift in the way we, as Americans--as the government--wanted to see ourselves and the world:

George Washington, to start with... Abraham Lincoln (a Republican) F.D. Roosevelt (a Democrat) J.F. Kennedy (a Democrat) Ronald Reagan (a Republican)....surprised? But I love his "its morning in America" quote.

...And how about a couple bad ones:

Richard Nixon (a Republican) George W. Bush (a Republican)

All of these Presidents have come to represent an ideology and general feeling--and for better or worse, some real changes--about the time in which their Presidencies occurred.

I am looking at my passport right now--it’s got like three big Russian Visas covered with orange and blue entry and exit stamps and other similar stamps from the UK and Finland and Estonia and Norway. If I had my old one--it would have stamps from Romania and Hungary and Germany too...

As an American abroad, I can tell you--at least in these places--every one's got an opinion about America. America represents something to everyone.

America represents a lot to me, too. I hope it represents a lot to you too.

The idealist in me loves the United States of America very much.
The idealist in me doesn't care at all whether America is the greatest military or economic power on earth, whether our foreign policy is dominant in Latin America, the Middle East or anywhere. I don't even care how abysmally low the current state of our Health Care system is ranked in the world by the United Nations !!!34th!!! (Although I do care a lot about the actual state of our Health Care system)

I do care enormously about how we Americans see ourselves and thereby how we interact with the rest of the world, because--take it from Jesus--do unto others as you would have done unto you--love thy neighbor as thyself-- and, from less godly sources-- what goes around comes back around...

The prevailing opinion of our neighbors, the best I can see in my current neck of the woods, is that America is not a good neighbor... that America really isn't living up to--even for its own people--its lofty ideals.

You see, I want to believe in an America where we really really do believe that every human being is equal and where we can and do strive for a government for the people, by the people and of the people.


America is a land of incredible diversity--we are a nation of immigrants and displaced peoples--we are a nation that while founded on the ideals of equality, has--right from the start--struggled with a horrible inability to truly realize this ideal.

We are a nation whose early economy was largely based on the labor of slaves! Human beings who were not, contrary to the beautiful and elegant language in the Declaration, considered equal--legally!!!

We have come a long way in changing this--I am always moved by the realization that we have made so much progress--but there is still so much to be done.

We are a nation where each subsequent wave of immigrants--whether your people came from Ireland, or Italy, or Sweden, or China, or Japan, or England, or India, or Mexico, or Puerto Rico, or the DR or India or Kampuchea or Sudan (.... I LOVE AMERICA!!!....)--Each wave has had to and continues to struggle to be fairly represented in our national and political life.

I want to believe in this American ideal--that we really can build a nation where everyone is equal and has access to government. Where the government is truly for the people and by the people. I want to be able to turn to my friends in other nations and say, “ Look we really are making good on that promise...it can really happen!”

and I want to look with you, my fellow citizens, on a nation that believes in its own ideals and is committed to the constant improvement and implementation of these ideals.
You guys, it's time--it's time--it is time to take another big step in, at least representationally, following through with the implementation of this ideal.

I want the next President of the United States of America to represent the idea that "government for the people, by the people, and of the people shall not perish from the earth" in a way that no previous President has.

When Barack Obama becomes the next President of the United States of America it will not mean that we have overcome racism in America--or that now immigrants and disenfranchised people have a definitive voice.

It will just be a HUGE representation of the fact that America really believes in such ideals.

If it seems like I am dismissing the "real" issues like the Economy, the War, National Security, Health Care, Education...well, I am a little. Not because they are not important, but because, I don't believe it makes a lot of difference which of the candidate becomes President when it comes to these issues.

While I hope and am putting my money behind the idea that Obama will do a better job with the issues, I don't think either of our candidates are disasters....

While I don't very much agree with McCain on anything and I tend to agree with Obama on a lot more, I think both--as leaders, as human beings are probably...hmmm...equal--qualified--whatever....

(hell, I even kinda like McCain. Did you see him on SNL?)

But AMERICA! AMERICA! Needs something more than just a likable or qualified President--it needs to be able to see itself as a nation that believes in and makes good on its ideals...

...And whatever way you shake it--Obama represents that in a profound and real way.

He represents change that is founded in our dearest ideals of equality and true government "for the people, by the people and of the people."

So, to circle back to my opening statement, do I really think that voting for Obama because he's black--or mixed--or whatever--is a good reason.

No, of course not.

Not in a country where we REALLY believe and REALLY ACT in away that reflects the belief that all human beings are created equal and thereby entitled to the same rights and same access to government....

...but are we that country?

I want us to be.

All things being equal--even if the candidates are--in all other regards-- "equal"--the fact that Barack Obama better represents the ideal of equality, makes him a better choice for the office of President.

The world is entering--has entered--a new era, where I think America has to accept the reality that it needs to take its place as an equal among the nations--not as the great leader of nations.

This doesn't mean we cease to be the incredibly unique nation we have been and hopefully still will be, but it means we have to be willing to change and grow in new ways.

It means that we have to think long and hard about what it means to be an American and to work hard at making what this means a reality...

and I think most of us believe that the ideals of equality and a government that genuinely represents its people and their ideals should be its foundation.

For me, Barack Obama as President will represent this type of thinking best...

Among the many many things to think about before, as and when you step into that booth tomorrow, I hope you will consider what I've said!

I start to cry a little every time I think about not being there tomorrow!

I really think America is stepping up to the plate, you guys!

Let's do it! Let's make good on those promises!!!